Wednesday, September 8, 2010
S.O.S.
Any advice for a mom whose four month doesn't nap? Like, ever? And who hasn't had a chance to clean her bathrooms in a month? And who lives near someone whose car alarm has been going off for 2 HOURS? And who is so frustrated with her baby she wants to let him just cry and cry instead of picking him up, and then she feels like the worst mother in the world because for Heaven's sake he probably just wants you to love him instead of being the selfish mom you are so you pick him up but you resent him for it? Because you are just more tired than you ever thought any one could ever be. And why is he crying again? And for how long is he going to want to nurse every hour? And will someone shut that damn alarm off? And why is this so hard??
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Breathe.
ReplyDeleteYou are ok. You are NOT a terrible mama. You are doing just wonderfully, and everything you are feeling, frustrated guilty anger and all, is totally NORMAL. Especially with a first baby. Biggest piece of advice I can give you is to be kind to yourself...true, the car alarm is a nasty kick-when-you're-down, but their battery is bound to die eventually, right?
But seriously, you will be so much more able to keep your cool when dealing with your devilish little angel if you are in good health and spirits. Very few new moms have the wherewithal and time to scrub the bathrooms as much as they would like, and demanding such domestic goddess status of yourself in every single day is only going to make you feel like more of a failure when life happens and it's a mess.
So, satisfy yourself with wiping it down when you can, and then perhaps some saturday Daddy can baby wrangle while you really dig into it...because it'll feel damn good to get it done at that point. But in the meantime, if you have 10 minutes, rest. Because you deserve it. Because you need it.
And when he's crying inconsolably and you want to chuck him out the window, do the full strip-him-to-the-birthday-suit physical check, make sure there are no hairs wrapped around toes or splinters poking him, etc, and if you can't find anything wrong and nothing you do is helping, its totally ok to put him down for long enough for you to go punch a pillow, blow off steam, and calm down enough to give him the love he deserves.
If its happening often, consider talking to your pediatrician about it. A surprising amount of colic is actually due to food intolerance...Cadence was completely inconsolably fussy for the first several months...turned out she had a soy intolerance, (and these days soy is in everything) and when she got it through my breastmilk, it would give her extreme acid reflux, which hurt no matter what but was considerably worse if she was laying flat...I cut soy out of my diet entirely, and after the month it took to get the last of it out of my system, it was like night and day and she hardly ever cried. But for those months...I'd spend hours walking and singing to her while holding her upright, and sometimes I'd be crying right along with her. I even let her sleep upright, laying on my chest. while I stayed sitting up. (Turns out about 50% of infants have a soy intolerance, and 50% have a dairy intolerance [not allergy, an intolerance that most outgrow...cadie included, she now loves chocolate soymilk like some kids love cake. go figure.] so it could be something like that...but who knows...at 4 months it could also be teething. (I heard recently about some study which found that if an adult had to endure the kind of pain a child endures while teething, they'd pass out. Perhaps just keeping that can help you turn a sympathetic eye and ease your resentment.)
(Cont.)
Do you still use the e-mail with your maiden name? 'cause I just sent you a rather ramply e-mail...if you don't, let me know where I can send it...Hope all is well. Wishing you all good sleep!
ReplyDeleteOk, see, it told me it didn't post that first one. And now it's even more of a mess than just the epic comment would have been on its own...
ReplyDeleteThe e-mail was just that previous comment plus another couple rambly paragraphs. oi. Way to be annoying, kate. Just like old times, huh?
Sorry to clutter your inbox. es. >_<
(...oh screw it. it makes more sense to just post it now. so here's the conclusion)
ReplyDeleteAlso, for both of you, I can't stress enough how helpful it is to just get out of the house at least once a day (at least on weekdays, it'll make the weekend feel different) even if it's just to go for a walk...and if you can, find and spend time with other moms...I don't know if there are other moms in your church who have infants, but that's a great source for building a personal community, but otherwise I'd recommend finding library groups and mommy baby things, even though he is so young, just so that you can build that kind of support around yourself. It truly makes a world of difference just to have some kindred interaction. And commiseration.
To that end, also, I am always here for you, though I am not exactly down the street...but send me an e-mail or call me anytime, I'd be more than happy to catch up and chat about whatever. If you need my contact info just let me know. :-)
And in response to your comment on my blog...heck yes I had that same sort of sudden, smack-into-a-brick-wall awe sometimes when I'd look at her, just the amazingness of the fact that I had a child! a baby! MY baby! a daughter! it took me AGES to get used to the word 'daughter' in that context.
And now I have two of them. And that's even more amazing.
It's freakin' hard. But it's totally worth it. And wonderful. And you're doing just fine. :-)
PS-don't be afraid of letting people help you. It does not make you weak. You are an amazing woman and a great mama, and nothing can take away from that.
Happy travels.